Sunday Reflections

I'm up early again, this seems to be a reoccurring theme.  I got up at 5am and it's now around 6.15, I like how quiet it is at this time of day.

I find it odd the way that my OCD works. When you think of someone with the condition you imagine an immaculate house, someone who is obsessive about germs and cleaning, things being orderly and tidy. That is just not the case for me at all.

In early January I forgot to get a refill on my meds and by about day three I devolved back into a mess, complete with withdrawal symptoms on top of that. The house was in a real state, I didn't cook, I didn't really do anything except stew in obsessive thoughts for hours.

I finally went and got a refill and things returned to normal with a vengeance. I cleaned the house from top to bottom, even the bedrooms which I hate doing, and started a whole slew of different creative projects.

I'm currently in the middle of knitting a soft toy rabbit for Mikey, nearly finished it! I have some beautiful new yarn in queue for other knitting projects that I'm really looking forward to starting. I have designs drawn up for a bookshelf for Mikey's books, I'm so sick of picking them up off of the floor! I have a design drawn up for an applique window seat cover for Mikey's bedroom. I've got a skirt sewing pattern that I drew up, waiting for some lovely fabric to fall into my arms and onto my sewing machine.

I mentioned my cooking list in the last blog post, I've got some new dishes and things for taking food photographs and have grand ideas for a studio set-up in the spare room to house all of these projects. At the moment they're spread over various portions of the house and the spare room is doing nothing whatsoever. Scouring the newspaper for old desks to use and things like that! I've also been a lot more creative with my actual cooking, making things up as I go along (with the help of my flavour bible) and having a great time of it all.

Mikey has been loving the snow, we keep going out to play in it and he loves nothing more than to just stomp through it in his boots! Shame it's raining now and the snow is melting away.

But despite the somewhat shaky, un-medicated start of 2010 things seem to be settling down into a wonderful rhythm.

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Resolution - Words to Live By

Nikon D3000 with Nikkor 28-105 Macro, manual.

I'm not a huge fan of New Years Resolutions, mostly because I tend to break them within a few days of making them. This year I wanted to just think of something less specific, after all what is the point in making goals that you know you'll never achieve?

So I thought I would consider some words to live by in 2010. I thought of some inspiring quotes and came across this one from Eleanor Roosevelt -

"Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product."

I would like to be happy in 2010, but it shouldn't be my goal, it should be a by-product of my goal.

I have things to look forward to in 2010, another year in Germany, my sister-in-law's wedding, my husband passing the entrance requirements and getting selected for his new MOS (fingers crossed) or if he doesn't get in then he'll be in line for another promotion, our third wedding anniversary, me finishing school (hopefully). But these aren't really goals, they are just things that will (or will not) happen.

I'd like to finishing some knitting projects this year, sew myself a dress, do more yoga, kick the sugar addiction, read some more wonderful books, involve myself in more creative endeavors, cook amazing food, have a simpler life and follow more of a natural rhythm.

On thinking over those things, my word to live by in 2010 seems more obvious and it's a word I've already used a lot in 2009 since my OCD diagnosis and treatment.

mind⋅ful

/ˈmaɪndfəl/ [mahynd-fuhl]
–adjective
attentive, aware, or careful (usually fol. by of): mindful of one's responsibilities.

Origin:
1375–1425; late ME mindeful.

Related forms:
mind⋅ful⋅ly, adverb
mind⋅ful⋅ness, noun

Synonyms:
heedful, thoughtful, regardful.

In 2010 I aim to be more mindful in my everyday life, in my parenting, in my marriage, in my creative projects, in taking care of myself.

Happy New Year,
What are your words to live by in 2010?


Linked at Nanny Goats in Panties and Mama's losin' it.

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Clarity

Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.

- The Buddha

A few weeks ago I had the dosage for my OCD meds increased, they were doing their job but not quite as well as I'd liked. There was some anxiety that would still flare up occasionally as well as other issues.


Now all feels good. I feel like myself again for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I have a precise and unclouded mind for the most part. I'm still doing mindfulness meditation and yoga a
s a supplement to meds,  I really think it is helping me to become a better mother, wife and person. More like how I would like to be, I can see the past and the future more clearly and they no longer take over my thoughts.

Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience.
It isn't more complicated that that.
It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is,
without either clinging to it or rejecting it.

- Sylvia Boorstein

I'm aware that some people take issues with being a medicated mother, or indeed being medicated for mental illness at all, as if it were something you can just climb your way out of. It's true that you do need to make an effort yourself to climb out of the pit, but if you were sick you would take medicine, that's all there is to it. Medication was a last resort after I battled with this for a long time without really knowing what it was. I eat well, I take exercise, I tried herbal supplements and they all worked to an extent but I still wasn't me. There is a part of my brain that malfunctions, it's hereditary and it's physically present in my brain. It isn't just that I decided one day that I couldn't handle life.

I'm not high all the time. I'm not weak or a failure somehow. It's not like I have a false sense of happiness that means that I'm not really me when I'm medicated, but somehow a fake version of me who is less worthy. The illness, the OCD, that was the fake version of me. That isn't who I am.

Now I am content, I can concentrate on what is important.

"Fairy tales are more than true — not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten."

- G. K. Chesterton

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Chasing Leaves

I'm fairly convinced that a toddler chasing leaves across the playground is one of the most joyous things to watch. I'm guessing that a few of the trees here are shedding their leaves early and the strong wind today has brought them to the playground. Mikey pointed at them and said "Oooooo" before chasing off after them. That was before he realized that they crunch when you stand on them, after that he was chasing them and stamping on them. He also collected a few and brought them to me.

He was having so much fun that I don't think he even realized that none of his friends were outside. I find it odd that on a playground surrounded by 36 3-bedroom apartments we are often the only ones out there... occasionally joined by the children from the only two other families who ever seem to use the playground regularly. The only time there are other children outside is when their parents are using the grills. I think I'd go crazy if I didn't take Mikey out to burn off his energy, since he started walking he pretty much went straight to running everywhere. When it's raining outside and we can't go out we have to chase one another around the house so that he doesn't go stir crazy, little boy loves being outside.

The husband is out tonight playing cards, so I have the house to myself for a change. Pretty sweet deal I think!

In therapy today I was told that I was doing wonderfully with handling my compulsive skin picking, score! My skin is slowly starting to heal up, I'll be left with some significant scars but they will start to fade eventually.

We also talked about doing some OCD exposure therapy once my anxiety is lower in a couple of months. The mere thought of it terrifies me. This is also one of the things that they do to people with bad phobias, exposing them to what they are afraid of so that they eventually become desensitized. Sounds horrible right? But I guess it is supposed to be horrible, that's the point.

I'm working on some new recipes, I know I haven't posted any in a while.  Apparently the husband thinks I need to up my game.

Oh and a quick PSA: My comments have been acting all crazy and the lovely people at JS-Kit have been helping me out with it. A lot of comments previous are showing up saying that I made them instead of you (whoever you are!) and they're working on it. Also we discovered while sorting this out that you will need to enable 3rd party cookies in your browser to be able to log in and use the avatars etc. Thanks!

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OCD Anxiety - the confessional

From nami.org:

A woman visits her dermatologist, complaining of extremely dry skin and seldom feeling clean. She showers for two hours every day.
A lawyer insists on making coffee several times each day. His colleagues do not realize that he lives in fear that the coffee will be poisoned, and he feels compelled to pour most of it down the drain. The lawyer is so obsessed with these thoughts that he spends 12 hours a day at work -- four of them worrying about contaminated coffee.
A man cannot bear to throw anything away. Junk mail, old newspapers, empty milk cartons all "could contain something valuable that might be useful someday." If he throws things away, "something terrible will happen." He hoards so much clutter that he can no longer walk through his house. Insisting that nothing be thrown away, he moves to another house where he continues to hoard.
A 10 year old girl keeps apologizing for "disturbing" her class. She feels that she is too restless and is clearing her throat too loudly. Her teachers are puzzled and over time become annoyed at her repeated apologies since they did not notice any sounds or movements. She is also preoccupied with "being good all the time".

These people suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In each individual suffering from the disorder it manifests in a different way.

again from nami.org:

Obsessions are intrusive, irrational thoughts -- unwanted ideas or impulses that repeatedly well up in a person's mind. Again and again, the person experiences disturbing thoughts, such as "My hands must be contaminated; I must wash them"; "I may have left the gas stove on"; "I am going to injure my child." On one level, the sufferer knows these obsessive thoughts are irrational. But on another level, he or she fears these thoughts might be true. Trying to avoid such thoughts creates great anxiety.
Compulsions are repetitive rituals such as handwashing, counting, checking, hoarding, or arranging. An individual repeats these actions, perhaps feeling momentary relief, but without feeling satisfaction or a sense of completion. People with OCD feel they must perform these compulsive rituals or something bad will happen.
Most people at one time or another experience obsessive thoughts or compulsive behaviors. Obsessive-compulsive disorder occurs when an individual experiences obsessions and compulsions for more than an hour each day, in a way that interferes with his or her life.
OCD is often described as "a disease of doubt." Sufferers experience "pathological doubt" because they are unable to distinguish between what is possible, what is probable, and what is unlikely to happen.

Some people can have the obsessions without any significant compulsions to go with them. My obsessive thoughts start at the lower end with things such as worrying that someone is poking fun at me, fear of embarrassment. Towards the middle it is things like worrying my family will be in a car accident or that my husband will leave me. I have obsessive thoughts on the extreme end of the spectrum too which I never talk about because they are just too awful.

My compulsions are on the more mild end of things, I constantly pick at my skin, sometimes I have to check things and I like to count or measure things. I am also constantly seeking reassurance, apologizing or asking permission for silly things.

The anxiety comes from either the thoughts or, in a much lesser sense, from not being able to complete a compulsion.

Why all of this? I guess I got my "official" diagnosis yesterday. I had an appointment with the psychiatry department regarding medication. The therapists that I saw before said it was anxiety and that with some behavioural therapy I would be able to come off of meds at some point, mostly because my compulsions are so insignificant. This lady asked some different, leading, questions about my obsessive thoughts (on the more extreme end) and got a different sort of picture. I have never before told anyone about the thoughts that I told her, I couldn't help but burst into tears. So here we are. I started meds yesterday and I feel terrible. I have a stomach ache and feel a little dizzy, nothing extreme, it sort of feels a little like a mild hangover. Hopefully this will pass and I will start to feel better soon.

More OCD links -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_disorder
http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/tc/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd-symptoms
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/TaggedPage/TaggedPageDisplay.cfm&TPLID=54&ContentID=23035
http://www.amazon.com/Boy-Couldnt-Stop-Washing-Obsessive-Compulsive/dp/0451172027/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250765077&sr=1-1

So as I don't end this with something so miserable, here's a picture that Raidhyn took of Mikey and I early yesterday morning!

Sorry, that was a crazy long post.

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