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Clarity

Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.
- The Buddha


A few weeks ago I had the dosage for my OCD meds increased, they were doing their job but not quite as well as I'd liked. There was some anxiety that would still flare up occasionally as well as other issues.


Now all feels good. I feel like myself again for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I have a precise and unclouded mind for the most part. I'm still doing mindfulness meditation and yoga a
s a supplement to meds,  I really think it is helping me to become a better mother, wife and person. More like how I would like to be, I can see the past and the future more clearly and they no longer take over my thoughts.





Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience.
It isn't more complicated that that.
It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is,
without either clinging to it or rejecting it.

- Sylvia Boorstein



I'm aware that some people take issues with being a medicated mother, or indeed being medicated for mental illness at all, as if it were something you can just climb your way out of. It's true that you do need to make an effort yourself to climb out of the pit, but if you were sick you would take medicine, that's all there is to it. Medication was a last resort after I battled with this for a long time without really knowing what it was. I eat well, I take exercise, I tried herbal supplements and they all worked to an extent but I still wasn't me. There is a part of my brain that malfunctions, it's hereditary and it's physically present in my brain. It isn't just that I decided one day that I couldn't handle life.

I'm not high all the time. I'm not weak or a failure somehow. It's not like I have a false sense of happiness that means that I'm not really me when I'm medicated, but somehow a fake version of me who is less worthy. The illness, the OCD, that was the fake version of me. That isn't who I am.

Now I am content, I can concentrate on what is important.

"Fairy tales are more than true — not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten."
- G. K. Chesterton

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I am a 24 year old British stay at home mother to a two year old boy. Married to a U.S. soldier and currently living in Germany.

I have seen the Vatican from the very top of St Peter's Basilica, the mud in the World War I trenches outside Ypres. I have walked through Montmartre side streets bustling with people in the evening, gotten lost in the streets of Greenwich Village NYC, run through cornfields on the Welsh border and sat outside with a cup of tea watching fireflies in the fields of the outer Chicago suburbs.

I have held the hands of others through addiction, fear, suicide, despair and come out the other side. I have left everything behind to begin anew.
I have fought mental illness and walked through snow in the mountains of the lake district, England. I have explored the morgue in the bowels of an abandoned hospital on a summer evening, climbed to the top of scaffolding on the outside of a five floor warehouse to look at the city lights of Nottingham at night and I have watched the sun setting on the Texas horizon.

I have held my son's tiny hand through the plastic window on an isolette in the NICU ward. Walked, speaking only in whispers, through the catacombs beneath the ground on the outskirts of Rome and seen the fireworks over Heidelberg castle.

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